.:Thin Enough:.

11:33 am - intense pangs. normal?

I have never in my life (even when dieting to a much lower weight) had hunger pangs like this. 

I feel like I'm going to throw up.

I'm producing ridiculous amounts of saliva and the saliva glands seem like they're swelling up or something.

I feel like I have heartburn as well.  I've been drinking Fresca and Diet Coke (they're so intense I can't go to the store across the street to get bottled water, yet).

Is this NORMAL?  Should I go to the doctor's?  I'm probably fine.  I'm fasting to get rid of bulimia.  But not even really fasting.  I'm not counting calories.  I'm just avoiding food and have no food in my house.  I haven't eaten in a few days but I've had a lot of fluids.  I ate some seaweed soup yesterday (and by some, I mean to the point of physical pain...it was just seaweed mixed with salt and a chicken cube and lots of water).  And it made me shit like CRAZY.  I even shit my pants a little and everything was just, completely water.  

I wanted to throw up the seaweed but I didn't.  I hope seaweed isn't a trigger for anyone, but I feel that it's important to say in case anyone knows anything about seaweed.

I've felt really bad since Monday, but I'm actually scared now.

11:24 am - hunger pangs...oh my god...so intense...

I have never in my life (even when dieting to a much lower weight) had hunger pangs like this. 

I feel like I'm going to throw up.

I'm producing ridiculous amounts of saliva and the saliva glands seem like they're swelling up or something.

I feel like I have heartburn as well.  I've been drinking Fresca and Diet Coke (they're so intense I can't go to the store across the street to get bottled water, yet).

Is this NORMAL?  Should I go to the doctor's?  I'm probably fine.  I'm fasting to get rid of bulimia.  But not even really fasting.  I'm not counting calories.  I'm just avoiding food and have no food in my house.  I haven't eaten in a few days but I've had a lot of fluids.  I ate some seaweed soup yesterday (and by some, I mean to the point of physical pain...it was just seaweed mixed with salt and a chicken cube and lots of water).  And it made me shit like CRAZY.  I even shit my pants a little and everything was just, completely water.  

I wanted to throw up the seaweed but I didn't.  I hope seaweed isn't a trigger for anyone, but I feel that it's important to say in case anyone knows anything about seaweed.

I've felt really bad since Monday, but I'm actually scared now.

08:47 pm

Some people might find this offensive, but it's important for me to know:

I have Korean roommates who have only been in Canada for five years and can't really speak English very well.  I binge/purge a few times a day, and usually they're in the next room or right outside the bathroom.  I put the fan on but, I mean, THEY HAVE TO BE ABLE TO HEAR ME.  I'm soooo loud.  And I binge right in front of them and immediately go to the bathroom and everything.  

So my question is...

Do they not know about Bulimia in Korea??  Why haven't they said anything??  My roommate sometimes scolds me on the kind of food I eat, but isn't it obvious by my weight and by my 30 minutes sessions in the bathroom what I'm up to?

I don't really care if they know, frankly.  I'm just curious about Korea.

01:38 am

The plan:

No eating past 6 pm
No going over 800 cals
No binging
No purging
No buying high-calorie food of any kind

Only 1 pack of gum a day

Tomorrow is 400 cals
Then 200 cals
Then 600 cals
Then 800 cals
Then 800 cals for race day

Then check weight.  If I'm not 95 Ibs or less fast until I am.  My BMI needs to be 17.5 or else I'm bulimic :(

09:43 pm - Update

Age: __19___
Current Weight: __95____
Highest weight (excluding pregnancy): __130___  (when I was 5" in grade 7)
Sex: ___F__
Height: _5'2.5____ 
Lowest Adult Weight: __85____
Ideal Weight: __91-93____


For each of the statements below, please choose one of the following six responses:

Always
Usually
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
Never
Questions

Am terrified about being overweight: Always

Avoid eating when I am hungry: Always (that's when you're most likely to binge...you should wait until you're full on water or something)

Find myself preoccupied with food: Sometimes (now that I eat less I'm less preoccupied with food)

Have gone on eating binges where I feel that I may not be able to stop: very rarely

Cut my food into small pieces: Never, unless I'm eating in public.  If I'm eating, it's because I'm going to puke it up or because it has an extremely low caloric value (ie lettuce, seaweed, ect.)

Aware of the calorie content of foods that I eat: Always, unless I'm binging, and even then I'll check.

Particularly avoid food with a high carbohydrate content: Sometimes

Feel that others would prefer if I ate more: Usually

Vomit after I have eaten: Usually

Feel extremely guilty after eating: Sometimes

Am preoccupied with a desire to be thinner: Always

Think about burning up calories when I exercise: Always

Other people think that I am too thin: Usually

Am preoccupied with the thought of having fat on my body: Always

Take longer than others to eat my meals: Usually

Avoid foods with sugar in them: Always

Eat diet foods: Always

Feel that food controls my life: Always

Display self-control around food: Usually

Feel that others pressure me to eat: Always

Give too much time and thought to food: Always

Feel uncomfortable after eating sweets: Always

Engage in dieting behavior: Always

Like my stomach to be empty: Sometimes

Have the impulse to vomit after meals: Always

Enjoy trying new rich foods: Usually

Behavioral Questions

In the past 6 months have you:

A) Gone on eating binges where you feel that you may not be able to stop (eating much more than most people would eat under the same circumstances)? If you answered yes, how often during the worst week? No, my binges are controlled.  I mean, they are set-up, if you will...

B) Ever made yourself sick (vomited) to control your weight or shape? If you answered yes, how often during the worst week?   Tons of times.  Um, there's days where I don't and then there's days where I binge/purge 3 times during the same day/night.  Never tallied up a week, though.  Probably would be pretty bad.

C) Ever used laxatives, diet pills or diuretics (water pills) to control your weight or shape? If you answered yes, how often during the worst week?   Laxies: yes Diet Pills: don't work Diuretics: yes  I try not to take more than 2 ex-lax a day.  but once I ate 6 in a day.  Not as bad as most people, though.

D) Ever been treated for an eating disorder? When? Yes, I'm still being treated.  I've been treated since last September and was supposed to be hospitalized.  I cured myself and went back to school instead on the condition that I continue cognitive therapy.  I'm trying to get out of it.

03:10 am

Age: __19___
Current Weight: __102-105____
Highest weight (excluding pregnancy): __130___  (when I was 5" in grade 7)
Sex: ___F__
Height: _5'2.5____ 
Lowest Adult Weight: __85____
Ideal Weight: __95-101____


For each of the statements below, please choose one of the following six responses:

Always
Usually
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
Never
Questions

Am terrified about being overweight: Sometimes

Avoid eating when I am hungry: Usually

Find myself preoccupied with food: Always

Have gone on eating binges where I feel that I may not be able to stop: Rarely

Cut my food into small pieces: Sometimes

Aware of the calorie content of foods that I eat: Usually

Particularly avoid food with a high carbohydrate content: Sometimes

Feel that others would prefer if I ate more: Usually

Vomit after I have eaten: Sometimes

Feel extremely guilty after eating: Sometimes

Am preoccupied with a desire to be thinner: Always

Think about burning up calories when I exercise: Always

Other people think that I am too thin: Usually

Am preoccupied with the thought of having fat on my body: Always

Take longer than others to eat my meals: Usually

Avoid foods with sugar in them: Always

Eat diet foods: Always

Feel that food controls my life: Always

Display self-control around food: Usually

Feel that others pressure me to eat: Always

Give too much time and thought to food: Always

Feel uncomfortable after eating sweets: Always

Engage in dieting behavior: Always

Like my stomach to be empty: Sometimes

Have the impulse to vomit after meals: Always

Enjoy trying new rich foods: Usually

Behavioral Questions

In the past 6 months have you:

A) Gone on eating binges where you feel that you may not be able to stop (eating much more than most people would eat under the same circumstances)? If you answered yes, how often during the worst week? No, my binges are controlled.  I mean, they are set-up, if you will...

B) Ever made yourself sick (vomited) to control your weight or shape? If you answered yes, how often during the worst week?   Tons of times.  Um, there's days where I don't and then there's days where I binge/purge 3 times during the same day/night.  Never tallied up a week, though.  Probably would be pretty bad.

C) Ever used laxatives, diet pills or diuretics (water pills) to control your weight or shape? If you answered yes, how often during the worst week?   Laxies: yes Diet Pills: don't work Diuretics: yes  I try not to take more than 2 ex-lax a day.  but once I ate 6 in a day.  Not as bad as most people, though.

D) Ever been treated for an eating disorder? When? Yes, I'm still being treated.  I've been treated since last September and was supposed to be hospitalized.  I cured myself and went back to school instead on the condition that I continue cognitive therapy.  I'm trying to get out of it.

12:24 am

 Eating Attitudes Test (EAT-26)
http://eatingdisorders.about.com/od/riskfactors/a/eat26test.htm

Age: __19___
Current Weight: __120____
Highest weight (excluding pregnancy): __130___  (when I was 5" in grade 7)
Sex: ___F__
Height: _5'2.5____ 
Lowest Adult Weight: __85____
Ideal Weight: __101____


For each of the statements below, please choose one of the following six responses:

Always
Usually
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
Never
Questions

Am terrified about being overweight: Always

Avoid eating when I am hungry: Sometimes

Find myself preoccupied with food: Always

Have gone on eating binges where I feel that I may not be able to stop: Often

Cut my food into small pieces: Never

Aware of the calorie content of foods that I eat: Usually

Particularly avoid food with a high carbohydrate content: Rarely

Feel that others would prefer if I ate more: Always

Vomit after I have eaten: Never

Feel extremely guilty after eating: Usually

Am preoccupied with a desire to be thinner: Always

Think about burning up calories when I exercise: Usually

Other people think that I am too thin: Sometimes (depends on my current weight)

Am preoccupied with the thought of having fat on my body:Always

Take longer than others to eat my meals: Sometimes

Avoid foods with sugar in them: Sometimes

Eat diet foods: Always

Feel that food controls my life: Always

Display self-control around food: Rarely

Feel that others pressure me to eat: Always

Give too much time and thought to food: Always

Feel uncomfortable after eating sweets: Always

Engage in dieting behavior: Always

Like my stomach to be empty: Sometimes

Have the impulse to vomit after meals: Always

Enjoy trying new rich foods: Usually

Behavioral Questions

In the past 6 months have you:

A) Gone on eating binges where you feel that you may not be able to stop (eating much more than most people would eat under the same circumstances)? If you answered yes, how often during the worst week? Yes.  The worst week I ever had was probably when I went from 85 to 105 in less than two weeks.  I binged at every single meal and in between meals.

B) Ever made yourself sick (vomited) to control your weight or shape? If you answered yes, how often during the worst week?   I've tried but never been able to.  I often acidently throw up a little in my mouth when I've over-eaten.

C) Ever used laxatives, diet pills or diuretics (water pills) to control your weight or shape? If you answered yes, how often during the worst week?   Diet pills and diet teas don't fuckiing work.  But I've tried them all.

D) Ever been treated for an eating disorder? When? Yes, I'm still being treated.  I've been treated since last September and was supposed to be hospitalized.  I cured myself and went back to school instead on the condition that I continue cognitive therapy.

12:30 am - Diet

My 8 day diet I'm doing with another girl:

orange juice
water/0 calorie drink
apple
dinner with friends (-200 cals)

luna bar and energy drink
no eating 8 hrs
salad

sun-tues
liquid fast

wed-thurs
fruits and veggies (no cooked, no oils, ect.)

10:20 am - I'm not anorexic

Although I meet the physical qualifications for being anorexic (no period for over a year, bmi less than 17.5) I can't really be anorexic.  You can't be anorexic if you think you're anorexic so therefore I am not anorexic.  I just need to be superhumanly thin because I'm an actress.  The camera does really put on fifteen pounds, you know.  FIFTEEN POUNDS.  For someone my height (5"3 and 1/2) that's disgusting.  Which means I have to be at least 15 ibs under my ideal weight just to look average.  So really, I have to be 30 ibs underweight.

Currently I'm doing 200-400-600-800 which I am finding moderately difficult.  I drink *a lot* of tea and black coffee, *a lot* of artificial sweetener, *a lot* of salt, *a lot* of salad, and, most of all, *a lot* of spitting and chewing.  I used to just spit and chew once in a while.  Now I do it every single day.  My mouth bleeds on the roof and I have no idea why.  I need to gargle salt and I started gargleing mouth wash.

Current Mood: sore